Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Don't Say Goodbye

It's almost been 2 years since Jenna and I parted our own ways, or, only her way. As what Carlo and Joshua, my few close friends, suggested me on "moving on", I met up with a girl whom had a big crush on me way back college. I didn't consider it as a date or the start of a new beginning, however, since the candle lights and sweet background music were there to brighten up the mood, it turned out to be an impetuous date.

She's Alexis Jane, AJ as what we call her. A small but very bright and beautiful student in our college. She was the president of the student council, the buddy-of-all, and a very sweet lass. And she really had a huge crush on me.

But the adjectives were not enough to capture my heart. I don't know why, but one day I told her, "maybe we could be better off as friends...". I knew I hurt her too badly. It even affected her studies. She didn't attend classes for days. Her friends worried about her. A lot. They blamed me. I felt all the anger came inside me but I can't do anything, coz that's what my heart told me.

Didn't mean to hurt you badly
Don't think that i am fooling around with you
Too sorry for the time you've wasted on me
Too sorry for the things that you went through

My colleagues told me that I lost a very rare opportunity. "Imagine, a girl every man would wish for.." they always said to me.

And now several years after college, I still cannot grasp the fact that she still loves me. She didn't have a boyfriend since then.

I don't know why but no matter how I try myself to forget the past and continue living my own life and finding a new blossom for my withered heart, I just can't because her ghost still lives inside me.

But i know that the problem's within me
You're so nice but your love don't deserve me
Or maybe I'm just so scared to fall in love again

I told to myself that I will never love again. It is so hard for a heart to build, but it is harder for a broken heart to pick up it's torn pieces.

I can still remember the days
So many times I've been hurt
So much trust I put on a relationship
So much suffering I brought and the pain still remain

AJ serves as my inspiration on gaining back the real me. Me 2 years ago. Me that was so happy and fulfilled. For almost everyday that we are meeting, for almost everyday since that date we had that we are talking about anything and everything, I've started to develop in me another chance for a new life. She helped me pick up my broken pieces. She helped me win her love. But I'm not so sure if this is a "life".

You know I like you but I don't wanna take the risk
So confused and I don't know how to deal with it
I need sometime for a while before I give my heart away

Because still every night I dream of Jenna. Still every night I cry because I lost her. I'm trapped between the past and the present. My heart makes me choose whether to cling to my past or forget it and face the present.

Don't say goodbye
Don't say goodbye
I need sometime for a while before I give my heart away

Everytime I see AJ, I see Jenna. How I wish I could ask the latter how she's been doing. But that would just make me stupid if in front of my eyes I see how the first does. I want to love her but I just cannot.

Don't say goodbye
Don't say goodbye
I need sometime for a while before I give my heart away

Coz I'm not so sure if this is a "life".

And I'm afraid when one day she'll get tired and let go of me.


Thanks to ka-birthday, co-pub editor, and friend IRL McRey for including me in his recipients of the very first Arajaya Awards. I deeply apperiated it. :)

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