Reyn's Room

I ask to myself a lot of times why I am still keep ruined by the fact that it's not us anymore. Maybe because I'm totally not over you. Maybe because it's still you I think about whenever I sleep, and wake up, and sleep again. Maybe because you're still here, just near me, that's why forgetting you became so uneasy. I tried some ways to recover from the pain, but I unsuccessfully did. Why did things happen this way? The way that I never thought would happen. The way that was not on my plans, my fantasies, my dreams. I still remember that night. That night we talked. That night we cried all over. That night, I died. And I thought there's no way I'm gonna live again.


As what my high school friends suggested me on moving on, I made a very hard step. I became distant. No text messages, no voice calls, no any form of communication. But who was the fool? I checked your Friendster profile almost every minute that I am logged on. I chatted with your best friend and asked you how you were. Completely fool, but with favorable excuse. What I learned was it's really hard to forget you. Even harder than my final exams. More difficult than facing my biggest fears. Fears. Put on the top the fear of losing you.


After two weeks of being a fool, I saw you again. You and I seemed so renewed, but not my feelings. Not my dreams. To tell you honestly, I fall for you over and over and over.


Sometimes I'm thinking whether you were just too unfair on doing the mutual, ideal kind of relationship most people should have, or, on the far side of things, I have just given too much. Or maybe this was just the way - fate - has brought us.


I want to stop. I want to go back. But there's no way. There's just no way.

I will forever miss you.







But I have to go now. I can't stand all those times that I feel lonely though we laughed a lot. I can't fake a smile anymore when I'm with you. I can't bear all the pain I felt when you told me things I hate to hear. It's so hard for me to do this, but I have to. I want to.


For the first time in my life, I'm putting all my ego to take this decision. I should have long done this, but it was really hard for me at first. But now, now that I have realized the things that I should have done before, I'm leaving. I know this is for the better.


You told me that "once you love, you love forever". I will never forget that. And I am telling you this. I will love you forever. I will cherish all the moments we had together. I will always remember how you smile, how you tell me things that make me laugh, how you make faces. At times you made me happy and I realized life is really worth living, especially when the reason was living with you. But death came near to me that I almost forgot there were still wonderful things in store for me aside from having you.


This is so hard, because we became even closer when we separated. But I don't want things to become harder when I will still be waking up each morning with you by my side, thinking about how things should go as days pass by, thinking that I still love you, but you won't love me too.


'Till we meet again.



[reyN]
5-Jan-2009